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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28859952">Glass</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/onewholikesthings/pseuds/onewholikesthings'>onewholikesthings</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sherlock (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Attempted Suicide, Depression, F/M, Guilt, Intrusive Thoughts, Self Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:22:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,570</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28859952</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/onewholikesthings/pseuds/onewholikesthings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A messy fight causes the reader to reevaluate her relationship with Sherlock and her life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sherlock Holmes/Reader, Sherlock Holmes/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was taken from my Tumblr @thatonewholikesalotofthings<br/>Also MAJOR tw for self harm, depression, and intrusive thoughts.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Dammit!”</p><p>Blue fragments of glass scattered the floor at your feet. Through blurred eyes, you saw the now barren coffee table and a dust ring in the middle of it. You didn't mean to break the vase in a surge of anger. You didn't mean to start that fight. You didn't mean to be so fucking ignorant.</p><p>How were you supposed to know how he felt when he rarely confided in you? He’s the mind reader, not you.</p><p>Sherlock felt so far from you; people had warned you of his foreign behavior, of how he always pushed people away. You never listened and instead, you always defended him.</p><p>Today was different, you could no longer justify his actions or words. Tears fell from your face as you bent down to pick off the hazardous material from the carpet of the small London flat. Taking one sharp piece into your hand you turned it slowly. Sunlight from the window streamed in and glinted off of it.</p><p>A low and shallow laugh came from your lungs. How could something so small and beautiful be used to draw blood from a disgustingly hideous act?</p><p>Your mind flashed back to memories almost forgotten. A church filled with windows of stained glass artwork. A small glass prism making rainbows bounce off the walls of a dark room. A clear glass vase with dead tulips sitting on a table in a drafty hospital room. A broken glass cup that glinted red with bloodstains.</p><p>Glass. Glass. Glass.</p><p>Your head wobbled as you tried to let go of those memories and focus back on the present. Sighing, you dropped the shard on the floor and went to the kitchen to find some gloves and a dustpan.</p><p>Jesus, you thought, I better clean up before Ms. Hudson sees.</p><p>As if on cue you hear a raspy voice call your name, “(Y/N)? Are you alright up there?”</p><p>“Im fine!” You say, a little too harshly, “Just knocked over a vase s’all.” You hear the sound of shuffling feet and a quick mumble of ‘okay dear’ and relax a little.</p><p>After locating a clean pair of gloves and digging through a pile of stuff for a dustpan, you’ve cleaned up all the damage and noticed a gash on your arm. How did you not see it before? A chill goes down your neck as you watch the blood start to glide over your skin.</p><p>Drip. Drip. Drip.</p><p>More. More. More.</p><p>You’ve been clean for so long. Why break now? You thought to yourself as you squeezed your eyes tight. Because he doesn’t care if you do it or not. He doesn’t care about you at all.</p><p>At these thoughts you found yourself reaching for a piece of glass from the trash bin. Not very sanitary no, but in the moment your mind was set on one thing.</p><p>In a daze you can feel yourself walk towards the bathroom and lock the door behind you. Looking in the mirror wasn’t something you were very fond of, but today you did look.</p><p>Your eyes were red and shallow, your face paler than it should have been. Your eyes and eyebrows were disproportionate and your nose just a tad bit crooked. You didn’t have lines around your mouth from smiling. It has been s while since you’ve done that. You looked tired.</p><p>You looked down from the mirror and to your arms; so this was it. Millions of thoughts ran through your head in a single moment. Your life was slowly crashing and your fight with Sherlock was the final blow.</p><p>You lifted your trembling left hand that held the glass and slashed once, twice, three times. “Oh god...oh shit.” You whispered before doing the same to your other arm. Relief and pain washed over you as you sat there crying and bleeding out.</p><p>Wincing, you looked at the cuts and realized just how deep they were; blood was starting to stain the floor and wall next to you. Once your brain comprehended how much blood you were losing your vision started to blur and your head spun in circles. You couldn’t tell, but your chest heaved and your entire body began to tremble.</p><p>“(Y/N)! Where are you? (Y/N)!”</p><p>Was that a mans voice? Was that in your head? You couldn’t tell. You could barely register the banging of fists on the door next to you. Before Doctor John Watson could break down the bathroom door your body went limp; you gave in to the dark.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A little bit of John's perspective here.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John Watson has seen his fair share of deaths.</p><p>That was an automatic thing for a military doctor. Comrades and strangers had died in his hands; he felt and heard many peoples’ last breaths.</p><p>He would not hear another one today.</p><p>“(Y/N)! Where are you?” His voice traveled from the bottom of the staircase and up into the flat.</p><p>Before John arrived at the flat, he received a voicemail from a very frustrated Sherlock. The message had described-in detail- the fight that had just ensued between you and Sherlock.</p><p>After rolling his eyes and muttering a string of curses, John jumped in the nearest taxi and told the driver, “Baker Street; ‘s fast as you can please.”</p><p>Watson knew you would need consoling and guidance right now, and he planned on giving it to you.</p><p>Despite being Sherlock’s girlfriend, (which he hardly ever said) you never really confided in him. It was his strong and stoic attitude that made you refrain from showing your true feelings and worries.</p><p>John knew these things because instead of Sherlock, you would talk to him about how you felt.</p><p>He knew you withheld some information, and he never pressed you to explain certain things. This was an unspoken agreement between you two.</p><p>She’ll be okay, John thought to himself, she’s probably just eating ice cream while watching crap telly.</p><p>This is why he yelled upon entering the building; he assumed the tv was turned on loud.</p><p>He did not expect to walk into the dusty space and see water spilled on the floor next to a barren coffee table.</p><p>There was a vase there…right?</p><p>His attention turned to the light spilling out of the crack of the bathroom door. Accompanied by muffled cries.</p><p>Your muffled cries.</p><p>He runs up to the door and puts his ear right up against it. All he hears is whimpers and muted sobs that sound an awful lot like ‘Sherlock.’</p><p>That’s when John’s instincts kick in, and they tell him to get to you now.</p><p>Bang bang bang!</p><p>His fists pound on the door while he screams your name. A try at the door handle tells him it’s locked from the inside. The only option left is to remove the door in between you two.</p><p>John steps back from the door and takes a deep breath. Stretching out his legs in preparation, he gets a running start and bashes his leg into the door next to the handle.</p><p>“Ah shit!” The Doctor winces and grasps his foot. A dent is made, but John needs a hole to get his hand through.</p><p>“Damn my leg! There must be weapons here…somewhere.” John surveys the room and his eyes lay on a shiny metal object underneath some papers. A gun.</p><p>As John makes his way to the weapon, Mrs. Hudson is shouting from the first floor about the noise he’s making.</p><p>“I’m a little preoccupied at the moment!” He yells back before firing at the dent in the door.</p><p>Once the gun goes off he hears her yell, “Oh dear! Not again!” and scurries back to her room.</p><p>John sticks his hand through the newly made hole and unlocks the bathroom door.</p><p>When retelling the story of how he found you to the doctors at St. Bart’s, his eyes glaze over in horror.</p><p>The first thing he saw was the blood on the floor that had trailed from your forearms. His eyes threatened to flood with tears but he made himself hold them back.</p><p>Your face was pale as chalk and your body was slouched against the wall. You looked dead.</p><p>Not caring about the blood contaminating his clothes, John rushed over to you to check your pulse and breathing.</p><p>He closes his eyes in relief as he hears both.</p><p>After a quick 999 call John grabs the hand towel off the vanity and applies pressure to the gashes. His mind was racing; he couldn’t lose you. Especially like this.</p><p>“Jesus Christ, Mrs. Hudson! H-help! Help please!”</p><p>“Cmon (Y/N)…st-stay with me…stay with us.” He whispered as he gently caressed strands of hair away from your face. He finally let the tears fall.</p><p>Not another one. Please.</p><p>—————</p><p>“John! Sherlock again; obviously. Answer your phone!”</p><p>Beep.</p><p>The detective threw down the phone in annoyance and ruffled his curly mop of hair.</p><p>Molly Hooper stood on the other side of the table that Sherlock was hunched over. He had come to visit her for ‘female advice’ after your fight.</p><p>“Maybe you should try calling her instead,” Molly pressed, “I think she would appre-”</p><p>“Shut up!” Sherlock yelled a little too harshly as his phone began to buzz. Molly stood there with her mouth agape before turning around to wipe a stray tear from her face.</p><p>“John? Where the hell are you? I’ve called twenty times!”</p><p>Molly can only hear static from where she stands, but she can tell it’s frantic.</p><p>“It’s (Y/N) Sherlock…she-Jesus Sherlock she tried to kill herself. I’m at Bart’s with her now an-” he hangs up.</p><p>Molly turns back around to see a pale faced Sherlock staring at the floor. “Oh…oh my god,” he says as his entire body starts to tremble, “I have to go.”</p><p>He says all this without looking up at Molly, but she can swear the pain she heard in his voice was in his eyes too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sherlock battles with one baffling question: why?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Beep. Beep. Beep.<br/>The bright hospital lights nearly blinded Sherlock when he stepped out of the dark lab room.</p><p>A pain from his temples caused him to grip at his forehead. His senses were on overload. Were you...dead? Alive? He shouldn’t have hung up on John so quickly. He had no idea where you were.</p><p>Think. Think. Think.<br/>Sherlock’s hands trembled as he pulled his mobile from his coat pocket. A few twirls of his thumb and Johns name appeared on the screen.</p><p>‘Im sorry, the pers-’<br/>He cursed out loud and shoved the phone into his back pocket.</p><p>The emergency room? That was the most likely option.</p><p>‘She tried to kill herself? Why? How could I not have seen this?’ Sherlock thought to himself while turning down a corridor.</p><p>Downstairs? Upstairs?<br/>He could pick apart people in a matter of seconds. Seeing people’s strengths and weaknesses were in his job criteria (if you consider what he did as a job).</p><p>With a man's shoe, he could tell you his entire life story, with a woman’s watch he could tell she was in an unhappy marriage and was shagging the neighbor.</p><p>But with her. (Y/N), he couldn’t see anything wrong. That’s exactly why he fell for her.</p><p>Sherlock was something like a perfectionist. Sure his flat was a disaster and in no way ever clean, but his mind was organized and quick.</p><p>He had sought, without knowing, that same perfection in a companion and he had found it in you.</p><p>Had he ever seen signs of depression? Signs of hopelessness? No and no, was all he could think as he stepped into what was hopefully the correct ward.</p><p>He frantically steps up to a counter where a woman in purple scrubs is writing down something in a paper packed folder.</p><p>“(Y/L/N), (Y/N) is she here?” He asks as he places his hands on the cold stone.</p><p>The woman looks up from her papers and smiles kindly, “What is your relationship to her?” She asks while flipping through the stack in front of her.</p><p>“Boyfriend. Now, where is she?” His hands turned to fists which made the nurse raise an eyebrow, “She is in surgery right now and she will be for ‘bout an hour. Now if you could please sign-”</p><p>“Sherlock!” John Watson strode over to the counter and the pair ignored the nurse.</p><p>“John,” Sherlock took hold of the shaken figure before him, “w-why? How? Tell me what happened, quickly now.”</p><p>John took a deep breath as he recounted the events of the night. His voice cracked when he told Sherlock about finding your body surrounded by red in the bathroom.</p><p>Tears slipped through his eyes when he told him of the ambulance ride and how he had held onto your cold fingers.</p><p>Sherlock stood there the whole time; absorbing every detail. John talked to the doctor pre-op and said that you had lost a lot of blood, but that as long as the surgery went well you would be okay.</p><p>Sherlock finally breathed at this and his hand traveled up his face to rub his eyes. She will be okay.<br/>“Do you have any idea why she would do this?” John folded his arms, “I mean-I...she’s a wonderful and happy girl.”</p><p>Sherlock took slow steps toward a plastic-covered chair to the right of him and lowered himself down into it. He shook his head, “I couldn’t tell. Never once crossed my mind.”</p><p>John sat down next to Sherlock, “Was it-do you think she did this because of your argument?”</p><p>Sherlock’s eyes widened; he had completely forgotten about that. It didn't matter anymore. He knew she wouldn't have tried to commit suicide because of a petty argument that would have been forgotten about over dinner. This must-have much more behind it.</p><p>She was the strongest woman Sherlock knew. How did she break?</p><p>Time seemed to drag slowly that next hour which left Sherlock’s mind with nothing to do but race.</p><p>A man in scrubs stepped out of a room nearby and walked over to John. Sherlock got up from his seat and hurried over, “What is it? Is she alright?”</p><p>The doctor turned to Sherlock, “Yes she will be fine. We will be putting her in her own room shortly.”</p><p>The detective's shoulders slumped as he sank to the floor and onto his knees. All the anxiety and fear he had been holding inside him finally seeped out.</p><p>John caught Sherlock’s arm on his way down and tried to hoist him back to his feet. Tears bit at the rims of their eyes, “When can we see her?” John asked.</p><p>The doctor wiped his forehead with his sleeve and sighed, “She’s unconscious at the moment but you can go and see her now.” The doctor said before going back in the direction he came from.</p><p>Sherlock fully stood and ran a hand through his hair. Of course he wanted to see her. But would she want to see him?</p><p>“I don’t know John...” Sherlock said, “What if I did this to her?”</p><p>The pain in Sherlock’s voice made John pause. He wouldn’t violate the trust you two had, so he kept silent. “I’m sure you didn’t...she loves you ‘mkay?” John said as he placed his hand on Sherlock’s shoulder.</p><p>“Now, into battle.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Happy ending!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Anxiety.<br/>
Depression.<br/>
They were the rulers of the crumbling castle known as your life. You kept them hidden; locked away in a tower and threw away the key. Or so you thought.</p><p>Sherlock didn’t take your hand when he stood next to your bed. He didn’t want to cause more pain.</p><p>You were still unconscious; the only sound in the room was the steady beep of your heart monitor.</p><p>It had been an hour since you got out of surgery. John got peckish and had gone down to get dinner; leaving you and Sherlock alone.</p><p>For the first time. The man prayed.</p><p>How does one pray correctly? He thought to himself, I’m not doing the sign of the cross like the Catholics.<br/>
Sherlock kneeled on the floor and placed his elbows on the bed next to your thighs. His hands were folded towards the ceiling, and he rested his temples on his thumbs.</p><p>With a shaky breath, he began, “H-hello...God. Or whoever you are. I know we have never seen eye to eye...in assuming that’s because of my lack of belief in you. But please. If you’re there. If you’re real. Let her love me...”</p><p>“Let her want me still. And if this is my fault, and I drove her to this then maybe I don’t deserve her but...but if it is possible please keep her in my life. I need her. I want a life with her.”</p><p>He paused and let his eyes trail to the bandages on your wrists, “Most importantly...could you give her the strength to stay with me? To stay with everyone?”</p><p>Buzz<br/>
Buzz<br/>
Sherlock scoffed at the interruption and walked out of the room to answer it. Molly Hooper's name shone on the screen. “Sherlock? Is everything alright?”</p><p>Your eyelids felt like weights on your face. Your throat was dry and your shoulders ached. You strained your crusted eyes open and were immediately blinded by lights.</p><p>Hospital lights?</p><p>You survived.</p><p>You weren’t supposed to survive. You didn’t want to survive. The limited amount of moisture in your body restricted you from crying, and your bone-dry throat stopped you from crying out.</p><p>A voice was talking hurriedly on the phone outside of your room. “Not right now Molly I- no it’s- it’s nothing. Goodbye now.”<br/>
You craned your neck away from the door before Sherlock could walk in. You were ashamed.</p><p>He stepped into the room and saw your eyes first. They were staring out the window, away from him. His mind-numbed. He always knew what to say. Why not now?</p><p>“(Y/N)? It’s Sherlock (Y/N)...”</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>He took tentative steps back towards his chair next to your bed and sat down. Tears puddle your eyes as you strained your neck back to face Sherlock.</p><p>“(Y/N)...darling you’re alright.” He smiled grimly and finally took your hand. He stroked the back of it with his thumb and started to cry, “Why?” He croaked out.</p><p>Your eyes flitted to the ceiling and your body shuddered as you tried to take a deep breath. “I’m a fuck up that’s why.”</p><p>His rhythmic tracing on your hand stopped. Tears spilled from your upturned eyes; he won’t want me anymore. I’m not good enough for him. I’m tainted.<br/>
Stunned silence. You were perfect to him. How could you think otherwise? How could the center of his universe think of herself as a mistake?</p><p>He squeezed your hand tight and you looked at his closed eyes. Your gaze traveled across his face as if it were a map; one you had to memorize for survival.</p><p>“Im so-”</p><p>Sherlock stood quickly and let your hand drop into the bed, “No. Do not say sorry for something that wasn’t your fault.” He looked down at the floor.</p><p>“You do not have to explain everything to me right now...actually you don’t even have to explain to me. Just promise me one thing.”</p><p>His eyes locked with yours, “Promis me never again. Never again will you do this. Promise me that you’ll tell me when things get bad.”</p><p>Your eyes were swollen from tears as you nodded, “Yes I promise, I promise. I’m so so-” Your body retched into a fit of sobs and Sherlock rushed to the hospital bed.</p><p>You made room for him and he held you close, softly shushing you and caressing your hair. He squeezed you tight and kissed your forehead as you shuddered against him, “Never apologize for how you feel.”</p><p>Quiet ‘I love you’s and murmurs of reassuring words swiftly put you to sleep in Sherlock’s arms; your relationship forever changed.</p><p> 5 Years Later<br/>

A glass of wine sat in your right hand while the other twirled Sherlock’s curls around and around. The television screen shone brightly in the dim room and Keira Knightly’s voice filled your ears.</p><p>Sherlock’s slow breathing made you smile, Asleep already? We’re getting old.<br/>
A cry made you jump from your concentration and you groaned. He better not wake up his sister.<br/>
You gently removed Sherlock’s head from your lap and set your wine glass down on the kitchen counter. The nursery was just down the hall, right next to your daughter's room.</p><p>You found your son was writhing out of his swaddle and screaming his tiny lungs out. You sighed heavily and walked over to his cot and scooped him into your arms.</p><p>“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...”<br/>
You whispered the words of that song into your son’s ears to calm him down. Sherlock stood in the doorframe and listened to your off-pitch whisper-singing and laughed to himself.</p><p>You heard his laugh and turned around to shush him, “He’s almost asleep!” You mouthed as your husband stepped closer to you.</p><p>Sherlock stood right behind you and kissed the small bit of skin that was showing on your shoulder. “I love you so much.” He said with his face buried in your neck.</p><p>“I love you too. You love your daddy don’t you?” You said as you brought your son up closer to your face so your noses were touching.</p><p>“Mum? Dad? I'm hungry!<br/>
Of course, he woke up his sister.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I kind of hate the ending but oh well. I wrote this forever ago and just decided to put it here. I wanted to have a happy ending because I want to put the message out there that things do eventually get better, you just have to stick around to see it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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